When you become angry or frustrated over someone or something, it can make you feel powerless. When you are not in control of the situation, you can easily obsess about your problems. They can haunt you day and night, zapping your energy, causing confusion and leaving you exhausted. These easy techniques will show you how to detach from negative situations and people and regain your focus.


1. Allow you to detach from your thoughts or from any uncomfortable situation.

2. Help you to STOP compulsively thinking about someone or something RIGHT NOW.

3. Wean you off of compulsive thinking.

4. Refocus your mind on the things you need to do.

When you are going through an emotional situation, it is normal for you to feel compelled to think about the situation all the time. This is compulsive thinking. The same thoughts go around and around and you don’t know how to get the person or situation out of your head. It can become maddening and leave you both physically and emotionally drained. You lose your focus on normal everyday things and just want to curl up into a ball but you can’t because the thoughts won’t leave you alone. Here’s a short-term quick-fix and a long-term permanent fix to the problem:


When the undesired thoughts about someone or some emotionally-charged situation come into your mind, you immediately detach from it by mentally and silently saying “Neti, neti, neti” (pronounced NET-TEA). It is important to always repeat the word 3 times; then take a deep breath in through the nose and out through the mouth and allow yourself to feel a moment of peace. The ancient Sanskrit word “Neti, neti, neti” is used because this word is foreign and does not have any preconceived meaning to 21st century folks. It means: “I am not this thought, I am not that thought, I am not thought.” Do this each and every time the compulsive thoughts start up. You may have to do it dozens of times during the first day. But soon you will find that the thoughts come less frequently and the moments of peace extend for longer periods of time.

This very effective technique can be used to reduce any negative thinking and to help you detach from anger, frustration, feeling out of control and helpless. Whenever you think negatively about yourself or others, stop and say “Neti, neti, neti.” Its energy will immediately break the pattern of negative thought, enabling you to detach from what is going on and from your strong feelings. It will help you to gain a clearer perspective on the situation. Example: Personally, I have used it during arguments. While the other person is repetitively ranting over something that seems trivial, inside my mind I am calmly detaching from the conversation by saying: “Neti, neti, neti” and feeling peace within myself. The other person’s words don’t affect me. It helps me to get through the situation without becoming ensnared in the negative emotions being exhibited by the other person. When I stay calm and don’t react to the other person’s litany of negativity, they lose interest and walk away.

PERMANENT DETACHMENT TECHNIQUE: When you find yourself obsessing about someone or something, here are points to follow that will free you from the compulsive thinking and help you get back in control of your emotions:

Select one hour once a day when you can be alone. This is your Neti-Hour. PROMISE yourself – during that one hour (example: from 9 to 10 p.m.) to think about the person or situation that you are obsessing over as much as you want. Give yourself complete freedom to be as angry and out of control as you need to be, like a child having a tantrum. Talk out loud to yourself about it. Yell, rant, rave, be childish, flail your arms, stomp your feet, call them names, punch a pillow, and do whatever you have to do to get your feelings out. When that hour is done, STOP.

Picture the other person or situation in front of you and close the session by mentally saying “Neti, neti, neti”. Take a deep breath in through the nose and out through the mouth. Feel this moment of peace. The next part of the PROMISE is that you are not allowed to think about that person or situation again until the next Neti-Hour. Every time obsessive thoughts come up, mentally say: “No; you have to wait until the Neti-Hour” and don’t allow them to continue. Do the same thing during the next Neti-Hour – let yourself go. Get it all out. Write it out, if that is easier for you, but get rid of any writing immediately afterwards. Destroy it because you do not want to have the negativity of those words around you

You will find that, during the day, you will look forward to the next Neti-Hour. You can hardly wait for it to come so you can get things off your chest. With each passing day, you will find that it is easier to make your thoughts wait until the Neti-Hour.

After about a week, spend one of your Neti-Hours writing a letter to the specific person telling them your side of the story and how much you are hurt. Or pretend you are writing to a newspaper about your terrible situation. Or, if you are religious, write a letter to God, if need be. It is BEST TO WRITE BY HAND but, if you have to, you can type the letter. Lay out your feelings mercilessly. Don’t spare anyone’s feelings. This is YOUR time to have your say.

Fill a sink or bowl with cold water. Water is nature’s cleansing agent. If you have your letters on the computer, print them out. Manually rip up all of your letters, soak them in the cold water for a few minutes. Imagine the water cleansing the letters, washing away the emotions expressed in those letters and leaving you with peace. Squish up and throw away the letter. Never keep the letter; you do not want the negative vibrations contained in the letter to be around you. That’s why you must get rid of it. NEVER SEND THE LETTER TO ANYONE – EVER. • When you feel like it, write another letter during the Neti-Hour. Show your feelings and lay it all out. When you are done, destroy it in water as you did the previous letter. Notice if any of your perspectives have changed.

Eventually, your emotional turmoil will diminish to the point where you will actually “forget” to do the Neti-Hour. Yes! It’s true! When that happens, your emotions are no longer controlling you. You are free of compulsive thoughts and you are now in control. You can clearly determine practical solutions and be your own person. The “Neti-Hour” has done its work. In your mind’s eye, visualize the other person or situation. Close by saying, in your own words: “It is finished. May we both (or the situation) be blessed.”

Use the Neti-Neti-Neti Technique any time stressful situations arise within your normal daily routine.

Copyright 2020 Kathryn Romani

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